A kiss of love
by xshrimpyx
Summary: I can’t be friends with you because I’m in love with you. God dammit Lily, can’t you see, friendship is never going to be enough for me. That’s why I can’t be around you anymore!” A long one-shot about Lily realising that she can't live without James.


Right so the title does not really have anything to do with the story but I quite like it ;) So the first bit of the story is from my one-shot 'a coward in the rain' but I was slightly dissatisfied with the ending and wanted to write an alternate one. Sorry if the story doesn't run too smoothly but I tried.

Disclaimer: Don't own zilch.

A kiss of love

It was raining. And James Potter was flying his broomstick. He was completely soaked to the skin; his shirt sticking to his chest and his hair, for once, lay flat on his head, dripping water down his neck. James was zooming around the Quidditch field, alone. Nobody, not even his best friend, had been stupid enough to come outside when the rain was so heavy he could barely see. But James liked it; he liked the fact that he needed all of his concentration to squint into the darkness and avoid trees and the stands. Because then, he didn't have to think. And thinking hurt too much.

Lily's latest rejection had cut him deeper than the others, if possible. She didn't seem to realise, she didn't know, she never knew how much it hurt him. Maybe if she knew what each rejection did to him she would give him a chance. If she could only see how much he loved her; he would do_ anything_ for her, he would _die_ for her. But the one thing he seemed incapable of doing, ironically enough, was the only thing she really wanted. She didn't want him, she wanted him to leave her alone but to James it was a feat that was impossible. He had tried, God knows he had tried to stay away from her, but something always drew him back to her. She was like a magnet, pulling him, irresistibly, to her every time he was near.

He leant further forwards, speeding faster and faster, and diving through the sky. He tore through the air, tears merging with the rain as he felt a fist twist his stomach. He cried out in pain, coming to an abrupt stop. He let the tears run freely down his face as he replayed the scene that had once again led to a broken heart...

"_What is this?" Lily gasped in wonder, as she entered the classroom. The smell of roses was overwhelming as she walked through the door and the candles scattered across the room made the atmosphere serene and peacefully...romantic even. She eyed the table in the middle of the room with two seats in confusion. Lily whirled around with to find James leaning against the wall an expectant expression on his face. "Is this for me?" Lily asked, a puzzled expression clouding her features. _

"_Yeah, I, uh, have something I need to ask you." Lily didn't reply but let him led her to the table in a daze. He pulled out her chair and Lily sat down, James taking the seat opposite her._

"_What's going on James?" Lily asked, a hint of worry in her eyes. _

_James took her hand, entwining their fingers, smiling at how well their skin tones complimented each other. He observed their fingers for a couple more seconds before looking up and gulping loudly, trying to work up the courage to say what he needed to. "Lily, recently, I've ummm, well you know how we've, you see I..." He dropped her hand abruptly and stood up from the table, shoving his chair back. He started to pace, raking his hand through his hair in an anxious manner. Lily watched, utterly confused, yet slightly amused by his mood swings. She waited for him to stop pacing, staring edgily around the room, wondering why he had done all this. James strode back and pulled out Lily's chair again, gesturing for her to stand up. "Lily, I know you might not want to hear what I have to say, but we've become close and I don't think it's fair to keep something like this from you."_

"_James wh..."_

"_I'm still in love with you." James interrupted. Lily just stood, frozen, in shock, her jaw gaping open and her eyes unreadable. James waited for a few, unbearable seconds that seemed to go on for eternity before dropping to his knees. "Go out with me, Lily, please?" James begged, a bouquet of roses appearing in his outstretched hand. Lily started spluttering, regaining her ability to speak and coming out of her state of shock. _

_Lily eyes narrowed and her gaze became a glare, her emerald green orbs were sharp and hateful and her face twisted into a mask of utter hatred. "I cannot believe you Potter; I will never go out with you! You're the most conceited, arrogant, deceitful person I've ever met!" Her glare softened slightly as her eyes became rapidly filled with tears, "I thought you had changed-I thought we were friends," She continued in a broken voice, the tears now dripping down her face. James was a statue, unable to move or talk, just kneeling on the floor, his face blank. _

_Suddenly her eyes became furious again, "I can't believe you played me, pretending we were friends when you just wanted to get into my pants... I, I hate you! Leave me alone!" Her voice broke on the last word and she ran off, tears overflowing from her devastated eyes. James felt like thorns had just been driven into his heart. He had now officially made sure Lily would never talk to him again. She now was convinced that he had become her friend to trick her into sleeping with him. Could she really think so little of him? He had to admit, that hurt almost as much as the rejection. But not only that, he had also made her cry. James had never, no matter how many times they had argued, made her cry. The thought that he had done that made him feel sick. He simply collapsed in the middle of the corridor, rubbing his eyes, pain threatening to overcome him._

Lily rubbed the last stray tears off her face and picked up her small mirror. She inspected her appearance, taking in her puffy, red eyes and tear stained cheeks with disgust. She was meant to be a strong, independent woman; no man should be able to make her cry like this. Lily picked up her make-up bag and emptied in onto her dressing table, shifting through the small pile of make-up she owned. She found a pale foundation that was barely used and unscrewed the lid. She squeezed a tiny amount onto her finger and rubbed in into the skin below her eyes, trying to reduce the redness. After a while, Lily gave up on trying to make herself presentable and put down the foundation. She sorted through the big pile of books on her bed and picked out the well worn copy of her favourite book, _Pride and Prejudice_. Lily ambled down the stairs and took a look around the room. It reminded her too much of James, all she could do was picture him sitting by the fire, crouched over an essay or laying on the rug playing with that damn snitch of his. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of those images and made her way to the Gryffindor Common Room instead.

Lily scanned the room and breathed a sigh of relief when she realised none of her friends, nor nobody who would approach her was in there. She was free to escape into a world of fantasy. She settled into an armchair by the fire and opened her book, placing the bookmark on the coffee table beside her. She read for a couple of pages before her mind started to wander, fantasy being replace by reality, as she was hit with what had happened after James had professed his love for her...

_In the Head girl's bedroom, a familiar redhead was crying silently as she lay curled up on her bed. Her fist clenched a photo of the two of them from Christmas, her kissing James on the cheek in thanks for a present. Her hand tightened. Why did he have to make things difficult? Why did it have to hurt?_

_She could picture his face. The look of utter agony he had when she had rejected him; he looked like the bottom of his world had just fallen out. When she had run away she had wanted to turn around and say something, anything that would have made it better. But the truth was that she wasn't ready to admit the only thing that would have made it all better. She wished she could have gone back and not accused James of only being friends with her to get her to sleep with him. She knew it wasn't true; she had known that at the time, but the fury had taken over, making her see red and her mouth was going too fast for her brain. She needed to make it right, she decided. She was going to find James._

_Lily walked slowly down to the Great Hall, trying to work up the courage to apologize to James. She knew he would still be hurt but she hoped he would get over the rejection soon. She spotted him instantaneously as she walked in the room, her eyes attracted to him. He appeared to be stabbing at something on his plate and, even though his back was facing her, Lily could tell he was not in a good mood. Lily shouldered her bag, fiddling nervously with the strap as she walked down the aisle towards him. Remus noticed her first and murmured something to James who immediately stiffened. Lily was surprised at how much that hurt her, but held her head high and slid into the seat beside him. Before she had even opened her mouth James had stood up and strode off down the Great Hall. His friends saw the wounded look on her face but they held no sympathy for her. Nobody said anything but Sirius' eyes followed James' departing figure before darting back to Lily's. She got the hint and leapt up, speed walking down the Great Hall, trying to ignore the hundreds of pairs of eyes boring into her back. _

"_James, James wait! Please!" Lily called after him, pumping her little legs as fast as they would go. Luckily for her, James stopped at the sound of her voice and leant against the stone wall, staring out into the miserable, grey sky as he waited for her. _

"_What?" He asked, his tone sharp, his eyes evading hers, as she drew to a halt next to him. He missed the look of hurt that flashed across Lily's face as he said that. Lily took a step forward and James, unintentionally, bent down so his face was almost level with hers. A lock of ebony hair fell forward and Lily, without thinking, lifted a trembling hand to brush it out of his eyes. When her hand touched his face he jerked back instantly, a reproachful look in his eyes, making Lily's eyes fills with tears. _

"_Why are you doing this?" She questioned softly, her voice quavering, making James look up into her teary, emerald eyes with regret. There was a long pause where James searched Lily's eyes, but as she looked into his hazel orbs she could see nothing. It was almost as if there was a veil over his eyes, hiding his feelings that were usually so transparent to her._

"_I'm sorry Lily, it has to be this way. I can't be friends with you anymore." He said firmly, tearing his gaze away from hers to once again stare at the bleak landscape._

"_Why!? I don't get it James!" Lily exploded, grabbing James' face vehemently and forcing him to look at her. _

"_I can't be friends with you because I'm in love with you. God dammit Lily, can't you see, friendship is never going to be enough for me. That's why I can't be around you anymore!" He shouted back, ripping his head away from her hands, debating on whether he should just run off now._

"_James..." Lily whispered, trying to stem the tears flowing down her face. _

_James just shook his head, "I'm sorry Lily, that's the way you made it." _

_~*~_

"You're a coward Lily Evans." Sirius said while slinging himself over the back of the couch to be beside Lily. His cheerful smile was nowhere to be seen and the twinkle in his eyes was replaced by a sullen, cold look.

Lily sighed and put down her book, placing the bookmark in her open book and slowly turning to face him. "Why am I a coward Sirius?"

"Because you love him." Sirius replied seriously, his stormy grey eyes boring into hers with an intensity that made Lily very uncomfortable.

Lily hesitated for too long before answering, "No, I don't." She said in a shaky voice, tearing her eyes away from his to stare at the blurry pages of her book which she picked up again.

Sirius moved closer, taking the book out of Lily's hands and tilting her chin up so she was looking into his eyes. "I've seen the way you look at him Lil, the way you act around him...why else would you be so upset about rejecting him? You've done it a thousand times and it never bothered you before."

Lily snatched her hand away from Sirius and stared defiantly into his eyes, willing the tears to vanish, "It's not true. I was upset because he was upset and...because he said we couldn't be friends anymore." A lone tear dribbled down Lily's face at that revelation and Sirius' face became confused.

"He said that?" He demanded softly, "When?"

"Right after he stormed out of breakfast." Lily pulled a tissue out of her pocket and wiped away her tears, despising the fact she was letting Sirius see her so weak and vulnerable.

"And nobody has seen him since..." Sirius murmured. They sat in silence for a long time, neither moving nor saying anything.

"It's killing him you know." Sirius said quietly, glancing edgily over his shoulder to check the common room was empty. "Not being with you." Lily closed her eyes, showing her unwillingness to talk. "He loves you, he really does. But he said he can't stand it any longer. If you don't want him then he's going to leave you alone-forever. _You're going to lose him Lil_."

Lily's eyes opened and she blinked back the tears, "I don't know what to do Sirius." She whispered.

"Don't deny it any longer Lil. You love him, I know you do. So stop being a coward and fight for him. He's fought for you for so long." Sirius' soft tone hardened with passion and his eyes blazed.

"I don't love him Sirius," Lily cried softly, turning her watery green eyes onto Sirius. Green connected with grey orbs that searched her eyes thoroughly.

"Then I'm sorry because you just lost greatest man of your life."

Sirius spared her one more sad glance before trudging from the room with hunched shoulders, not even glancing at the numerous girls' trying to get his attention. Lily watched him with forlorn eyes before running desperately up to her old dorm in search of her best friend. She burst through the door and startled apart her best friend and her boyfriend who had been kissing rather passionately before she can in.

At the sight of their obvious love for each other even as they stared at her with surprised eyes Lily burst into loud bawling tears. She threw herself on her old bed and relished in the small comfort it brought her. Through her tears she could faintly hear Alice telling Frank to leave them alone for a bit and then she felt Alice sit down on the edge on her bed and stroke her tangled curls comfortingly.

"What happened sweetheart?" Lily couldn't hold back a fresh set of sobs as she began to retell the scene that had happened that day to her best friend.

Alice digested the story and sat there pondering what she could say to make her desolate friend feel better, but she concluded there really wasn't anything. Alice heaved a sigh, "Are you sure Lil?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Lily snapped through her tears, "Why is everyone trying to tell me I love James, I don't! I just don't want to lose him…" Tears trickled steadily down her face and Alice pulled her into a tight, comforting hug.

"I'm sorry Lily. He's chased after you for over 6 years, you can't expect him to wait for you forever. If you are sure you don't love him then I think you need to let him go, for his sake." The realisation that this was true just made Lily cry even harder, her heartbroken sobs echoing around the room.

~*~

Lily's eyes were trained on the door waiting for James to enter and when he did her breath hitched in her throat. His hazel eyes reflected immense pain and his shoulders were slumped, he looked defeated. Even Sirius couldn't coax a smile out of his best friend and a dejected look took over his handsome face as he steered them into the room. Lily waited for James to look up or make his way over to his seat next to her but he didn't.

Instead he whispered into the ear of a pretty Ravenclaw whom Lily was pretty sure was called Claire, who usually sat next to Sirius. Claire nodded and Lily felt her heart sink as Sirius gave her a grateful smile and James sank into the chair she just vacated without another word. Lily didn't even acknowledge the Ravenclaw who slid into the seat next to her and attempted to make some small talk. She just stared at James with a hurt expression on her face for the rest of the lesson.

He never even looked her way.

~*~

A scream was ripped from Lily's mouth as she watched James' lifeless body plummet to the ground along with his broomstick. There was a silence as the moment moved in slow motion. Lily saw a figure drop into a desperate dive with an outstretched hand, clearly trying to catch James before he hit the ground, while the rest of the stadium was frozen. Lily was clinging to the railing so tightly her knuckles had turned white.

He hit the ground.

The other Quidditch player-Sirius she presumed-tumbled to the ground straight after him and crouched over him, blocking out her view. His shout for help broke everyone's immobile stance and everyone-save the Slytherins-started to move in a panic. Lily felt a cold hand yanking her towards the stairs, where most of the students were trying to get down to the pitch to find out if James was alright.

Lily shoved past the crowds, determined to get to the pitch where many teachers and students where gathered around James. Lily broke free onto the pitch and ran to where James was being levitated. She gasped in horror; his glasses had been smashed into his face which along with his hair was matted with blood. His left arm and both legs were surely broken by the position they were posed in and also his back from the way he was twisted. Not to mention the blood that caked almost every part of his body. Lily was frozen in horror as they took James off the pitch, Sirius following at their heels, the most serious expression she had ever seen on his face. Lily felt cold, raindrops slide down her face and she raised her orbs to the cloudy, dangerous sky only to realise it wasn't raining, she was crying.

~*~

Lily leant against the wall, behind a column, near the entrance to the hospital wing in partial shadow watching people coming and going. She waited for a very long time; until the crowds of worrying students had disappeared, the teachers had come and gone and even James' friends had trudged out of the hospital wing. Lily took a long shuddering breath and quietly stepped into the hospital wing. She scanned the hospital wing and found it barely occupied. There was a pale young girl sleeping on her right and a couple of closed curtains around some beds. Lily stepped forward as a dark haired boy sitting in the shadows came across her line of vision. He turned around and they locked eyes;

Sirius.

They stood there locked in a staring competition before Sirius beckoned her over, she came hesitantly. Lily hovered by his side, working up the courage to look at James. She glanced at Sirius saw pain written all over his face.

"Sirius…" Lily trailed off not knowing what to say to make Sirius feel better, she didn't even know what he was feeling.

"It's my fault, I should have caught him. I should have been faster." Sirius spoke through clenched teeth, his usually husky tone tainted with bitterness and self hatred.

Lily was taken aback at the guilt and pain that was twisting his handsome features. She put her hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at her, "It's not your fault Sirius. You were too far away to catch him." Sirius just shook his head at Lily's attempt to make him feel better.

"James will be ok Sirius." Lily voice broke on his name and Sirius hesitated before pulling the tearful redhead into a hug, something that Lily had never received from him before.

"Madame Pomfrey gave him a repairable bone potion which has sorted out his bones but he hit his head." He murmured into the crook of her neck before pulling her into a more comfortable position on his knee. "We won't know the extent of the damage until he wakes up; but it could be serious, he's unconscious at the moment" Lily stifled her cry of sorrow and buried her head into Sirius' chest as stroked her hair gently his eyes focused on his best friend the whole time.

A small moan caused both teenagers to abruptly look at James with hope. Sirius rubbed his eyes tiredly, disappointment flickering over his features as no other sound was made from James. "Go get some rest, I'll stay here." Lily said quietly, getting off Sirius' knee.

"No, I'll stay. I've got to-"

"-Sirius, go." Lily persuaded. She saw the conflict in his eyes and sighed, "Please, I won't leave him and I'll just stay until your back."

Sirius sighed and Lily could see him slowly giving in, "You'll come and get me if he wakes up?" Lily nodded and Sirius left with one final glance at his best friend.

With Sirius gone Lily didn't know what to do. She dithered around the bed before taking Sirius' still walk seat and scooting closer to James. She bit her lip and took his hand, slightly taken aback at the cold temperature of his skin. She stroked his hand lightly, her eyes filling with tears at the sight of

"James I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please just be alright, I need you to be alright." Lily cried through her red rimmed eyes as she stared at James' unconscious form. "I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here. You mean so much to me and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I would do anything to stop you from hurting. Please just get better. I need you in my life." Lily's tears where halted when James groaned and rolled over.

"Lily," James rasped, lifting his head to stare at her with blurry eyes.

"James, oh James!" Lily flew from her chair and threw her arms around him, forgetting that he was still injured. James tried to enjoy it for as long as he could but he gently pried her off after a minute, wincing at the pain the movement caused. Hurt and rejection clouded Lily's eyes for a minute before she realised that he was still in pain. "Oh! I'm sorry!" Lily cried, stumbling backwards, suddenly flustered, and almost knocking over the chair. "I need to go get Sirius, or Madame Pomfrey…" Lily spun around and started to leave; rushing through the hospital wing, but James' weakened voice stopped her as he called her back.

"Wait, stay a minute please." James sighed internally as Lily looked hesitant but slowly made her way back to his bed and stood expectantly, looking very much like she wanted to leave. James sighed dejectedly, "Look if you don't want to be here then just leave."

Lily's expression softened into a look of worry, "I thought you wouldn't want me here," Lily confessed, sending a spasm of pain across James' face. "See! All I'm doing is hurting you, I need to go, I need to stop hurting you." Lily turned to go but James caught her wrist, closing his fingers feebly around it in an attempt to stop her. His eyes smouldered at her emotion and Lily could feel the tears building up in her eyes.

"You hurt me more every time you leave." James whispered, wiping away a lone tear with the pad of his thumb.

"How do I make it stop?" Lily trembled as James struggled to sit up and pulled her body flush against his chest. James stared into her eyes for a long moment but didn't answer her. His arm snaked around her small waist and his other hand came up to caress her wet cheek. Lily stopped breathing as James head lowered, his eyes on her lips.

"Go out with me," He whispered against her lips before touching them gently with his own. Lily forgot everything the moment his velvet lips touched hers and focused solely on him. All she could feel were his soft lips gliding across hers, his hand which was sliding round to the base of her head and her stomach in which butterflies were dancing. Lily pressed herself closer, trying to immerse herself in James' warmth.

Eventually they broke apart when the need for air was too great. James rested his forehead on Lily's and stared into her emerald orbs. "Yes," She whispered, "I'll go out with you James." After that no more words were necessary as Lily silenced him with a kiss.

A kiss of love.


End file.
